i have started the email by last sunday, when he bailed on me of our GoT night…
took me four days to finish it…
finally i sent it out today at noon, i didn’t exactly feel better tho, but it was hurtful to be stood up many times like that, so…i can’t do it anymore…
i slept thru this weekend, literally!!!!
work is burning me out, for whole day, the only person i spoke to is the receptionist, i say hi to her when i pass by, and the subway staff, when i buy my lunch, then for the rest of the day, im locked in that room, alone, totally…
G came over on wednesday night, then off to silence by thursday morning till now, i can’t keep a track of how many times i have been stood up…i have already drafted an email, just wait till wednesday, making it a whole week…
i miss having someone to talk to, doesn’t have to be serious conversation, just some simply human verbal exchange…feel like im getting crazy here, i slept thru the whole weekend, only woke up to eat…
i don’t think im harming myself, but i am sure, if i were withdrawing myself away from my friends or family, none of them would notice cuz none of them keep close contact with me…
i know this mood is suppose to be a moment, and it will pass, but i really hope things can be a bit different…i have been crying a lot this month and i don’t want to feel sad anymore…
When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.
1. You are not your failures or rejections. You are not the boy who couldn’t love you, the job you couldn’t get, the school who wait-listed you.
2. You are, however, your passions, your convictions and the company you keep.
3. Blocking toxic people out is hard, healthy and needed. You may regret blocking people out. But you will ultimately rejoice in a toxic-free life.
4. You are unique, and your experience with people is unique. Your relationships can never be repeated, replaced; only remembered.
5. Have the courage to be yourself all the time.
6. Show your love. Especially to your parents. We are all living on borrowed time, don’t waste the moment you could have said, “I love you, Mom and Dad.”
7. Don’t be the life of a pity party. No one enjoys the tear-stained favors or melancholy attitude.
8. Trust your intuition. Period.
9. Know when to fight. More importantly, know when to walk away. And keep walking.
10. Never regret speaking your mind and respecting yourself. Even if it compromises your reputation, your relationships or “looking pyscho”. Never regret loving yourself enough to call out people who don’t.
11. She’s no you. And you aren’t her either. So stop comparing yourself, there is no comparison.
12. You can only overcome self-harm with self-love.
13. You were created to be something magnificent. Honor that.
14. Continue to be outspoken. Some will find it scary, some will find it sexy, but you will find it liberating.
15. You may not have the person you want, but you have your integrity. Hold onto it. It will get you through difficult periods with grace and poise. Don’t succumb to low levels of revenge and desperation. Continue to be dignified even when it seems unfair or unresponsive.
16. Before you do something, question your motives. We all have demons but we all have a responsibility to tame them before they turn into our monsters.
17. If you apologize, mean it.
18. Be good to the ones who are good to you.
19. God will speak to you through other people, dreams, and music. Listen.
20. We have so many different chapters in this lifetime. People are not meant to be “main characters” throughout our story. That doesn’t mean we won’t find our happy ending.
21. Some people will take you for granted. Some will emotionally abuse you. This is their problem. Unfortunately you will be causality in someone’s personal battle, but again, this is their problem.
22. It is never too late to change and grow.
23. Forgive. Forgive your enemies and forgive yourself.
Going crazy just from living in my own head
Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”
It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.
And I got angry.
Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”
Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)
If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.
Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting:
I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.
I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.
I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.
I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.
I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.
I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.
I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.
In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:
Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.
Your eternally interested guy,
Happy International Women’s Day
I’m not the one that asks for help, I’m the one that gives it.. But I’m 100% not at all okay right now and I’m so fucking desperate.
My chronic health issues have reached a point of my pain being so agonizing that even on opiates I’m clawing my skin off in my sleep and waking screaming. I can…
It’s been an awful period of days, I’m tired, exhausted, and just really tired…
Had fights with G yesterday, guess that’s the end of us, of course i can describe him like an asshole but still it’s a pity how things ended, i was really happy with him, for a long time i couldn’t feel that.
Got paid for the first time in 2014, small amount of cash but it’d help to ease my mind, and i really need that.
I really like G…
Life has to go on.
My thing is, have sex whenever you decide to want to have sex. You want to have sex on the first night, go ahead. You want to have sex after 20 dates, go ahead. You want to never have sex, go ahead. People think that someone’s sexual choices actually coincide with their personality. If all you can think of someone’s worth is whether they want to have sex or not, then the problem is probably you.